by Gina Colburn | Sep 7, 2016 | Uncategorized
I walked out the door of the church tonight and immediately was hit with the sound of crickets chirping, the pale light of the moon peeking behind the clouds and the smell of grass.
I walked the few feet between the church and my house soaking in the whole scene. Looking up and seeing a few stars not hidden by the scattered clouds and just listening. I noticed by the time I made it to my back door my heart had calmed and my steps were lighter. I knew immediately what that was… that was God. That was allowing my mind to stop even if for a minute so that I could take in God’s perfect creation.
I miss so much of that, because I am always thinking about the next thing, or checking my phone or sending a text, email, snapchat or whatever. My mind rarely stops and I am working on allowing it too. I am working on being present. Not just physically but mentally, emotionally and spiritually!
As I am processing through things and continuing to be a pastor to people, I am hit with how important it is to stay humbled before the Lord. Lately, I have found my need for him to be so overwhelming at times I know of nothing else I can do but to fall face down before him and pour out my heart to him. I am finding that the more honest I am with him of my need, the more need of boundaries in other areas of my life he points out to me.
I have not ever been very good with boundaries or authority in my life. But I am learning, ever so slowing I am afraid, of how valuable these things are… and life giving. Boundaries allow me to rest, laugh, play and be… Boundaries help me regroup after hurtful words both intended or unintended. Boundaries help me regain perspective and wisdom. Authority in my life keeps me accountable, and points out my blind spots and helps me be a better version of myself. My submitting to HIS ultimate Authority gives me peace when I question all the stuff!
You see the new thing its coming and it might be surprising in how it reveals itself. But the new thing is so good and even holy. Yes holy! God ordained for his purpose.
Teach me your ways, O Lord, that I may live according to your truth! Grant me purity of heart, so that I may honor you. 12 With all my heart I will praise you, O Lord my God. I will give glory to your name forever, 13 for your love for me is very great. You have rescued me from the depths of death. Psalm 86:11-12
by Gina Colburn | Sep 6, 2016 | Uncategorized
This book, these words, have undone me. Three books that I have completed this year have been a combination of conviction, grace and celebration. (Present over Perfect, Breaking Busy, and Ordering Your Private World) I am undone by what God is teaching me in this season. I am at a place where I am vulnerable before the Lord, seeking him with a new passion and letting go of somethings I have been holding on to so tightly.
I am learning to look for the tangible expressions of grace that are on display all around me each day. I am learning to breathe deeply. I am learning to create the margin that God has been asking me to create for so long. The new thing, like I said before, is both big and small. It is a thousands of choices some yes, some no. It is about rediscovering who I am in Christ and who he created me to be.
Maybe all of this is in part because my role is changing. The role that I longed for, to be a mom, is changing. Three of the four have left home for college. I am learning how to cook for half the people, and laundry that can be done in 3 loads. (Yes 3 loads! This is cause for celebration!) I am redefining my role in their life, while still mom, I don’t have control of their schedules or their choices. I pray more, I wrestle with what has been done and what was left undone. And I mourn the time I wished away, while celebrating the memories we have and those yet to be made.
My role is changing at the church I pastor… yes still lead pastor… but the church is growing and expanding quickly. And how I lead is different than when I came. I have to make tough decisions and lead people authentically and with integrity. The decisions I make daily effect eternity. And that might sound dramatic but yet the weight of that is real. The next few months are going to be pivotal for our church and how I lead is important. If I have ever needed Jesus… it is now.
So with all the changes and pieces of me waiting to be put back together I find a lot of peace in the quiet of my home, my favorite candle burning and the hum of life around me. I don’t need to rush to do something or be someone I just need to be. I need to find the gentle rhythms of grace all around me. I will practice what I preach… I will not sacrifice my family on the altar of ministry or busy one more minute. I will rest, find a new normal and I will find that God is there and working.
This season of change is going to require a little more of Gina dying to herself and coming more alive in Christ. Its going to require a sorting of what is important in this season and what can be let go of. This season will also require sacrifice. Again, so much I can’t share about this new thing but it will require sacrifice. And there are moments when I wonder if I am strong enough for it, if I will really be able to do it. And then I am reminded that His strength is perfect…
My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9 MSG
I am a wife, a mom, daughter, sister, friend, pastor and most importantly daughter of the King. He knows my heart, the good, the bad and the ugly. He sees me…just as I am. He knows who I want to be and he points me to a better version of myself. He gives grace, he forgives, he offers to hold me when it all seems to big and he goes before me. You see this I know, that as the new becomes a reality he is already there.
One of the things that Shauna Niequiest ask in the book is “if given a blank calendar, and full bank account what would you do?” I ask the question of myself before I even read her response… and it was almost the same. I would just be. (she says stop) and I get it. Yes! If my calendar was empty and my bank account full I would just stop. I would just be. I would not keeping running to try to achieve whatever… I would sleep. I mean sleep and rest and read. Read books that I love. I would have a porch swing and watch the birds, and soak up the sunsets (and sometimes the sunrise). I would rediscover all the things I have forgotten that I love and that breathe life into me.
In 3 years there has been so many things to process and go through. There have been many, many God moments and answered prayers but there has also been hurts, stresses and things that were so big and crushing at times I was sure we would not make it through… and yet here 3 years later we did survive. But not without cost… So now I am working on letting God sort through those places I have buried, Those places that I have not properly dealt with, Those lessons that I didn’t fully learn. Its time…
So what is this new thing… this is part of it… Margin…finally! I have spent most of the last 6 evenings at home, unscheduled. Not running, not filling every second with something. I realize that something might suffer… I get that. But I don’t think it will be the important things. Because I think what is happening I am focusing more on what is important. Becoming crystal clear in my purpose and mission. I am seeing God in a new way.
This process is painful. Its peeling away and allowing what is good and holy to be front and center. It enjoying every minute with my last child at home. It is realizing that I can’t wish time to slow down so I am enjoying the ride. But even though it is a little painful, its absolutely freeing! At almost 40 years old I realize I don’t care about somethings like I used too. And at this phase of life, I want to love God more and be all that he has called me to be and it doesn’t matter if I ever achieve the status that I once thought I had to have.
There are so many more things that I am learning, and slowing I will share those ( for those few readers- HI Mom! Hi my sisters). And perhaps for the first time in a long time I will experience all that God has intended for me. Its trusting him a little more and resting in him… I will walk boldly into this new thing ,step by step…
by Gina Colburn | Aug 22, 2016 | Uncategorized
New things in life do not happen overnight. There is a process, there is peeling away the old and finding what things lie beneath the surface that need attention. And that is the process I am in…peeling away what is so that I can make room for the new.
Since my last blog there have been so many of you who reached out and made guesses what it is… Anywhere from going back to school, leaving my current church, to writing a book. I can tell you with great certainty that I am not leaving my current church. God is doing great things here and that is part of the new thing I am making room for. In just 4 short weeks we will launch a NEW Service! I am so excited about this. I can’t wait to see what impact this will have on God’s kingdom. This is not about filling up a church with people, this is about leading people to Jesus. Making a difference to those who are desperately searching for something.
I am peeling away layers of living a life without margin for far too long. And yes I have made progress but not enough and I am convicted in this area. Peeling away layers of things that have to be dealt with if I am to be the leader, wife, mother, pastor, friend that God has called me to be. Soul searching and being still in His presence are all good things. I think in our world today we have lost the art of silence and solitude. So I am bringing those things back into my life slowly and intentionally. I must if I am to move forward.
The new thing is coming in so many great an unexpected ways. And even though I am not ready to share all of those yet I know that through this journey God is doing something far greater than anything I could do on my own. I know that this process is to strengthen my own faith, to grow deeper in my walk, and to come out on the other side a little less stressed, tired and worn out.
The new thing will require sacrifice and that is a little scary at times. There are things in our lives that we have grown so attached to that are unhealthy for us and when we go to lay them down we feel safer picking them up again. But then we can’t see our real selves because we have hidden it behind the clutter. When our lives are cluttered we can’t fully engage in all the things that Lord has called us too. When he says “taste and see that I am good” we have to slow down enough to do that. If we truly want to worship him in his temple then we have to declutter our lives.
So something new is coming…Its big and its small. It is a thousand decisions to make between here and there. It is finding the new normal in which God is asking me to find. And my prayer is simply this..
One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. Ps. 27:4
At the end of my life, I want nothing more than to be spent for Jesus. Spent for His kingdom’s sake. So in the mean time I have to make sure that all of my energy, time and resources reflect that.
Today, I challenge you to start a new thing that brings you closer to your truest self, the person God called you to be. I am reading Present over Perfect by Shauna Niequist. I highly recommend this book. My next blog is going to be about some insights I am learning from her wisdom. The insights are opening my heart and eyes to the new thing that God is showing me.
Obviously so much is new for me these days. My nest is emptying out. BIG GULP! I have one child left at home. How I have and do define myself has shifted. My location has changed from Midwest to East Coast. And that is just to name a few. I made a list of events that has happened in the last 3 years and let’s just say wow! What roller coaster ride! And now I am ready to find my footing. Find the sweetness of tasting and seeing that the Lord is good. Finding the calm in the middle of all the changes (some good, some not so good) and rest in his promises, to TRUST him more! Which takes me back to my word for the year…and my inspiration board that reminds me of the things that are important. And it is there that I find Jesus, his rest, his blessing and his hand reaching out to mine…
by Gina Colburn | Aug 16, 2016 | Uncategorized
I have talked about it…
I have wrestled with it…
I have prayed about it…
I have denied it…
I have thought about it…
I have avoided it…
I have loathed others who had it…
I have sought after it halfheartedly…
But today I am committed to it…
I want to share but not yet. And I know that is vague, and leaves you wondering then why even write about it at all if you aren’t going to share. Because I need to write. Writing is part of it. Being open and honest in this space is a glimpse of the new thing.
For far too long I have wanted this and have avoided the hard work it takes to achieve it but now (knocking on 40 and empty nest) I must get it. But to get it I must let go of every expectations and to do list and be silent. (Silence is not easy for this “life of the party”, extrovert, I need people person) But silence is what it is going to take.
Psalm 46:10 “He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”
Do you know what Be still means? Let go. I am letting go of some things. I have to in order to make room for this new thing.
I am learning to let go and peel away my hands that so desperately want to control and there I find trust, or lack there of.
So today the only thing I am holding on to is Jesus. I have thrown everything else up in the air and ask Jesus to guide me, prepare me for this next chapter of my journey with Him. I am excited, I am terrified, I am vulnerable, I am waiting and I am for the first time in a long time confident of this step. No more just talking about it… the time is now.
So for the sake of my family, my walk with Christ, my sanity and the calling he has placed on my life… I submit to this new thing. And at the end of this process I believe I will be a better wife, mom, pastor but more importantly Daughter of the King.
by Gina Colburn | Jul 29, 2016 | Uncategorized
Fredrick Beuchner writes “The place God calls us to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.”
I read this quote in a book I read Kisses from Katie. This book spoke directly to my heart and left me open, raw and convicted. This book outlines the true story of Katie Davis who had 18 years old leaves the comfort of her middle class family in Tennessee and heads to Uganda. Where Jesus calls her to love and live her life. Being his hands and feet.
She promised her parents it was for just a year then she would return and go back to college. As she talks about leaving Uganda for the states her heart was torn in the comfort of what she had always known and the people she loved and the love and calling she felt for Uganda. Home was no longer where she had been but home was where God was calling her.
Now enter my own story… I have had this book on my reading list for literally two to three years. I took it with me last week for a quick trip back to “Home” Kansas City. The place I have lived most of my life. The place I got married, had 4 amazing children and my extended family lives. The place I first heard God’s calling on my life, the place where so many memories are and friends reside.
I started the book in the airport on the way and I finished it in the airport on the way home. I am sure that everyone around me as I finished that book and big tears streamed down my face thought I was emotionally disturbed. (there might be some truth in that statement but that is blog for a different day!)
My heart was torn. You know torn with all the good things I have and the reality of millions of children are dying from treatable disease and hunger every day. Torn because as much as I love Kansas City and the comfort I find there it is not my home now, I was a visitor in my home town, just passing through. Home is the place that God has called me. He didn’t call me to Uganda like he did Katie Davis, which seems more like Christ work, feeding, clothing, healing and educating orphaned sick children. He called me to the Lehigh Valley to be his hands and feet. It really is the place where my deep gladness and the world’s hunger meet.
The mission has never been more clear. Our Lehigh Valley might not look like Uganda where she serves but there are thousands of people who do not know my Jesus. Time is crucial. We have to be intentional. I have to be intentional. I have to be bold and courageous. I have to put my will down and pick up HIS WILL! I have to be crystal clear on what it is he is asking me to pick up and what he is asking me to lay down.
You see my heart might be torn at times at where exactly home is but that is just temporary. My citizenship is not here on this Earth, it is in Heaven. And there are people who need Jesus who are in my circle of influence and my one and only job is to Go and make disciples. Jesus left us with the great commission. There is no Plan B! We are the plan.
And I let my comfort and my own will keep me from doing and being all that he has called me too. And as I finished the book, and tears streamed down my face. A story begin to play out in front me. A lady from what I am guessing an African country, speaking broken English trying to board her plane. She had a carry on bag, but this carry on was bigger than what they allowed you to carry on for free, so she was going to have to pay $45, they did not accept cash. She opened the suitcase showed them there was nothing but clothes, nothing dangerous she said. The gate agent said She could not travel with that suitcase unless she could pay. She begin to cry while everyone just stood there watching her. Finally, I stepped up and paid the $45. She turned to me and bowed thanking me and saying Bless you. And I was reminded again of how often there are needs all around us and we just stand watching or worse yet turn away, when we have the means to help the need. Jesus didn’t meet needs because he investigated them thoroughly to see if they really were needy or scamming the system. He simply met the need.
I am confident I will never see this lady again here on this Earth, but her face and her eyes are embedded on my mind. I hope that someday when I see my Jesus, I find her face among those who are there.
So today I wrestle with what is My will and what Is God’s will. I wrestle with what the best next step is for me, my family and the church I lead. I wrestle with what is my American Dream and what is God’s dream for us. I wrestle with expectations. I wrestle with my own sins. I wrestle with my own failures. I wrestle with the hurts of those I left behind. I wrestle with schemes of Satan to destroy families, mine included. I wrestle…
And I rest. I rest in Jesus “the author and perfector of my faith”. I rest that he who has called me will not leave me. I rest in his faithfulness. I rest in that one day I will see Jesus face to face and my prayer is that on that day I hear his words “well done my good and faithful servant!
